still

and i will, forever

i put down the pen six months ago, along with the medicines and the knives and the voices inside my head that never stopped screaming your name. i tried to walk away from what held me under, tried to sever the strings that pulled me over. and when everything has been done, i can’t help but wonder. what’s that fucking worth.

life was easy, fucking easier. i rarely thought about killing myself. i almost thought i got better.

new addiction kicked in and i pretended to be okay. i am not. i am going fucking insane. and nobody knows that.

but you.

and it makes me scared. if you see the part of me that i wrapped up tightly, what would you think of me? would you stop loving me? cause i know you know that i will never stop.

and it’s fucking selfish. i am selfish. i know i don’t deserve it, but i want you to wait. you know i will never say it, but just know i do. i told you i will change over and over again, but i’m still the same. or not. i don’t know.

i hope you find your own happiness too, cause i know i won’t find any if it wasn’t you. that’s the least selfish thing i could think of, my brain is rotten and my mouth feels like cotton. i kept what you said beside my nightshade, inside a heart shaped carton. and i thought it shouldn’t be me who makes this out alive. and if only one should survive, at least you will be the one for the both of us.

ps. you’re the only good thing in my life